


fading

by yououui



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Feelings, Friendship, M/M, epilogue compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 13:44:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16996110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yououui/pseuds/yououui
Summary: On the night of a special celebration, Keith and Lance discuss moments passed and things that could have been.





	fading

**Author's Note:**

> this includes major spoilers for the end of season 8

It didn’t seem to matter how many times Keith looked up at the same stars, his love for them would never change. He sat with a half-empty champagne glass sitting forgotten in his hand and stared up at the sky. Cheers erupted from the celebration going on some distance behind him under an open tent, drowning out the lively music for a moment. His jaw got tight, but he tried desperately to not focus on the party taking place—on the _wedding reception_ taking place.

He just tried to focus on the stars, as he always did when he was feeling…

Well, what _was_ he feeling? He couldn’t quite describe it. There was no reason, after all, for the tightness in his chest or the lump in his throat. What reason could there be? He should be happy—no, he _was_ happy. He was only having an off night—or maybe an off month, but it happened from time to time.

That’s what he told himself, anyway.

He only had to make it through the night. Then he’d be off in the stars again, and he could leave this feeling behind. It would be easy, he thought; traversing the stars had always been easy for him, something he seemed born to do. And maybe his friends would miss him, but they would be fine. After all, they all have their _Things_ now. Or their _Someones._ Besides, no one even seemed to notice he was missing from the party. It would be fine.

“Hey, man.”

Or so he thought.

Lance slowly, hesitantly took the spot next to Keith. He looked at Keith, then up at the sky, then back at Keith. “What… Watcha doing out here, bud?” Lance finally asked. He kept his tone light, maybe to keep from startling Keith.

“Oh, you know, just looking at the stars,” Keith told him with a halfhearted gesture towards the sky as he set his glass down on a rock beside him. “You should go back to the party.”

“ _You_ should go back to the party,” Lance countered, and that made Keith finally look at him. 

Sometimes, it still surprised Keith to look at his friends of many years. Lance looked different, and not only due to the Altean markings on his cheek. He was older, grown and changed and always just a little sad looking, even when he gave his famous grin and told embarrassingly bad jokes. Then again, Keith supposed they all were different. He couldn’t remember changing much, couldn't really track the evolution of it, but he knew he was nothing compared to the boy he was when they first took off in the Blue Lion all that time ago.

“Come on, man. Shiro is wondering where you were,” Lance said with a friendly hand to Keith’s shoulder.

Something sharp wound its way through Keith’s ribs and seemed to pierce straight into his heart. He carefully let out a slow breath and brought one knee up to his chest, draping an arm over it. “Shiro’s fine,” He said, quietly, because it was true. Keith's eyes moved from one constellation to the next until he settled his gaze on Leo. “I leave tomorrow, and I don’t know when I’ll be back, or when I’ll be able to see this view again.”

Something must have changed in Keith, maybe his expression or his tone of voice, he wasn’t sure. Either way, Keith could see Lance’s eyes soften in concern from the corner of his eye, which meant he somehow gave something away. Lance didn’t show unnecessary worry for no reason, after all.

“Keith… Are you okay?” Lance asked, his voice gentle, as if he were trying to coax a wounded animal.

Keith stayed silent for a long, long moment. In the stars, he saw the lines between the constellations, the lines between worlds and between realities. “Do you ever think about all those realities we saw?” He asked before he could think over what he was saying. “Ever think of all the realities we could have been a part of, where even just one thing happens differently?”

“Yeah,” Lance replied softly. “All the time.”

And of course Lance did, of course he thought of all of those alternate timelines where he had been given his happy ending with Allura. “Makes me wonder why this is the reality we all ended up in,” Keith said quietly. “Out of all those possibilities, this is where we landed. As the ones destined to save the rest.”

“We all wonder,” Lance told him with a little crack in his voice. “All the time. But I mean… We’ll never know why we were put in this reality. I think it was just… meant to be.”

“I guess…” Keith paused, his lips pulled into a frown. “I guess I can’t help but wonder if there’s a timeline where I… where we all—“

Another cheer drifted over from the wedding party. Keith and Lance looked briefly over their shoulders. When Lance looked at Keith, he found the former leader of Voltron no longer looking at the stars or the party, but instead staring down at the reddened earth. Lance frowned deeply and glanced back at the party; he could briefly make out Shiro and his groom in the middle of a sea of people, all raising champagne flutes. Another cheer, then the silence that followed a toast as everyone took a sip of their drinks.

Lance focused back on Keith, leaned forward just a bit to try and catch Keith’s eye. “Keith…”

“What, Lance?” Keith snapped, though his voice was missing its usual bite.

Lance worked around the right words to say, then finally, “Keith, do you… love Shiro?”

Keith blinked, then narrowed his eyes down at the dirt, as if that one patch of ground had somehow personally offended him. “Of course I do,” Keith said. “He’s my closest friend. He... He's like a brother to me.”

“Mhmm,” Lance hummed. “Doesn’t seem very brotherly to walk out on your best friend’s wedding.”

Keith rolled his eyes and shot a glare at Lance. “We’re not—it’s not like we’re really—I just—It’s not that big of a deal, okay?! I just don't like parties!”

Lance lifted his palms up in front of him in defense until Keith finally snapped his gaze away and looked back at the ground with renewed vigor. Lance began to worry that Keith would scorch that spot of the earth with the fire in his eyes. Keith swallowed down the thickness in his throat. He wanted this conversation to be over. He wanted this _night_ to be over.

“Keith, you know it’s okay to _not_ be okay, right?” Lance asked. “It’s okay to be, I don’t know, upset or sad or whatever, seeing Shiro so happy and—“

“I’m not upset that Shiro is happy,” Keith interjected quickly. Then, softer, “That’s… That’s all I ever wanted for him.”

Lance frowned and looked away, glanced back at the wedding celebration still going strong, well into the night. He looked between Shiro and Keith, thought of days from a lifetime ago, of a young, fiery cadet and his special friendship with the top pilot at the Garrison. “Keith, I never asked before because I didn’t want to, I don’t know, overstep my boundaries or… whatever, but,” Lance scuffed the toe of his shoe in the dirt. “Did something happen? Between you and Shiro?”

“A lot of things happened, Lance,” Keith told him. “We’ve been through a lot together.”

Lance shook his head and tried again. “No, I know that, I mean like… You two were so close. I mean, you still are, but I guess you two seemed even closer… back then. While we were at the Garrison, someone started a rumor that you were actually Shiro’s secret brother because of how often you guys would hang out or sneak off to ride your bikes.”

When Lance glanced over, he could see Keith smiling faintly at the memories, so he hesitated to continue. Eventually, he broke the silence again with, “Then, with the Blue Lion, I mean we only found it because you refused to stop looking for Shiro. Then everything that happened while we were out there... I don’t know, I guess compared to now, things seem… different.”

Keith sighed and leaned back on his hands—he could feel a hole beginning to form in his gloves, the gloves Shiro gave to him a long time ago. Keith was surprised that they had lasted as long as they had, but he supposed it was time to get new ones. 

The old and faded scar along Keith’s cheek stung. He tried to focus on the pain there rather than the persistent ache in the center of his chest as he thought of that fight, of the blows and the confessions shared. When Keith closed his eyes, he could see Shiro, half-dead and bathed in light. When he clenched his fist, he could still feel Shiro's hand there, the one thing he would never let go of, even if it killed him. Finally, Keith said with a soft voice, “After bringing him back, Shiro didn’t want to talk about anything. He said he wasn’t ready, and I wasn't going to push him. He never really talked to me about it, actually. But after fighting Sendak, he told me that things had to change. That I was the leader of Voltron and I couldn’t continue risking my life to save him. That I had to put myself first from now on, because Voltron needed me.”

Lance looked down in thought, then offered Keith the smallest smile in an attempt to lighten the weight he could see sitting on Keith's shoulders. “Well, he had a point you know.”

“I know,” Keith said, nodding. Then, “I know that _now._ Back then, I was frustrated that he didn't understand. For me, Shiro was… everything. He changed my life. I don’t even know where I’d be without him. I definitely wouldn’t be here. He saved me, and without him, I was just… Keith from the desert. I just wanted to save him like he saved me, and I didn't care what happened to me as long as he was okay, because it's what he deserved.”

Keith sighed and shook his head, leaning forward to look away from the light of the stars. “But I understood where he was coming from. And after that, yeah, I guess things did change. He's still my closest friend, but…”

“But it just wasn’t the same,” Lance continued with a frown and a sorry look towards his friend.

Keith nodded curtly. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was sharing all of this with Lance. He had kept these feelings to himself for a long time, for years. He told himself it was okay, he and Shiro were _okay,_ there was no reason to be upset or to be in pain. Yet there he was, baring his soul to Lance and picking at old wounds until they bled. Reminiscing on memories of times that he would never want to forget, even though they made his soul ache.

Then again, Lance was a good friend. Maybe it wasn’t so horrible for Keith to share this with him. And Shiro would tell him that it is good to talk, and to get things off his chest.

Keith gestured vaguely back to the party. “I’m not like you. I never cared about anything like… that. Dating or getting married. I didn’t see the point when there were more important things to do.”

“Hey, I resent that,” Lance said teasingly.

Keith gave a shadow of a smile in the lightened moment, then finally turned to look back at the party properly. From where he was, he could see Shiro standing beside Hunk, a hand on Hunk’s shoulder as they laughed about something or other. He watched Shiro smile wide and say something to Hunk with a pat on Hunk’s back. Saw Shiro turn to Pidge and pull her in for a hug that lifted her into the air. Saw him, _Shiro_ , bathed in the warm glow of the string lights Lance insisted needed to be hung inside the tent for "ambiance", happy and surrounded by those he loved.

“I didn't care about any of that. I guess all I ever really cared about was Shiro being there,” Keith admitted as he watched with soft eyes, with that look that seemed to be reserved exclusively for Shiro. “All I wanted was to make sure Shiro would stay by my side.”

“Keith… I…” Lance began quietly, lost for words at Keith’s confession. 

Keith blinked and his gaze lost that subtle gentleness it held just a moment before. He turned away from Shiro and shook his head, smiling. “It’s okay. That was what I wanted, but I guess I can’t be selfish. What matters most is that he’s happy, you know? After everything he went through, everything he gave up, that’s what I was fighting so hard for. I just wanted him to _live_ , and to be happy.”

“But you still can’t help but wonder about those other realities,” Lance said quietly. He knew, because he felt the same way. He couldn’t change anything, after all. He couldn’t go back in time and bring Allura back, he couldn’t make her change her mind. And he was thankful, thankful for the even the short time he got to share with her, but he couldn’t help but wonder as well.

“Sorry,” Keith murmured at Lance’s downturned gaze. He still had Shiro there, in one way or another. Lance no longer had Allura by his side. A pang of guilt squeezed Keith’s heart. “I shouldn’t be dumping all of this on you.”

Lance looked over at Keith and smiled, then nudged him in the shoulder. “Hey, that’s what friends are for, right? Besides, I’m still your right-hand man. It’s my job to help you whenever I can.”

“Heh. Right. Thanks, Lance,” Keith told him with a small but friendly smile. They sat in silence for a long while, just listening to the faint sounds of the wedding party.

“I think they’re going to be doing fireworks soon,” Lance mumbled after the silence stretched on to something almost uncomfortable, glancing back. 

“I _am_ happy for him, Lance,” Keith said suddenly, making Lance look back at him. Keith did not meet his gaze. “I am. But… yeah. I can’t help but wonder about all those other realities. If there’s one where he and I—“

Keith stopped himself short and turned away. No, _no_ he couldn’t admit that. Not aloud. Not to Lance, not to _anyone._ Not even to himself. It was too late.

Lance watched with sorrow as Keith hung his head, his hair covering his eyes. They sat in silence until the first pop of a firework rang out from the sky, spreading a haze of purple and red across the area until it shimmered away and disappeared into nothing.

“You head back, Lance,” Keith said, so quietly Lance almost didn’t hear him over the sounds of the wedding party cheering over the display in the sky.

Lance frowned. “Keith—“

“Don’t worry, I’ll head back too,” He said, looking at Lance. There was a shadow of a smile on his lips, maybe to convince Lance, maybe to convince himself. “I should spend as much time with everyone as I can before I leave, after all.” He blinked, the smile fell, and he looked away again. “Just… Just give me a few minutes.”

Lance frowned, but nodded and stood. He paused, then clapped his hand over Keith’s shoulder and squeezed. Without another word to Keith, he turned and walked back to the group. Keith heard the eruption of chatter at Lance’s return, and a few moments later, heard the sound of another firework being fired up into the air.

Keith picked up his forgotten drink and threw back the rest. It was warm and flat and utterly disgusting at this point, but he could hardly taste it. He turned the flute around this way and that, watching the lights of the firework reflect off the glass until it glittered and faded away.

Then, Keith let out a heavy sigh, as heavy as his heart, and looked back up at the stars.


End file.
